Recent happenings #2
On my mental health, opening the books, some new pots, and a few other life/work updates
It’s been a while since I last checked in here and in the interim, so much has happened. For one, I’ve relaunched this blog with a new brand identity, which led to over 40 additional subscribers, most of whom I have never met.1 This idea came to me during a rave in the woods in mid-September, but was only realized when I received a sudden, unexpected windfall of energy and motivation in the form of a recent hypomanic episode. But before I get into that, I’d like to start with this…
Since the end of May, I have published 18 pieces at a clip of almost one a week, mostly essays and reviews, some of them over 3000 words long, all of which I am proud of. Many have resonated with a lot of people I know and even beyond—my essay on raving was even featured as a Substack Staff Pick this past week. That there are hundreds of people who do not know me and are reading my work is a tremendous privilege that I do not take lightly. Some of you have texted and emailed me kindest and most encouraging of words, telling me that this is my calling, that I have inspired you to start your own projects. I want to continue prioritizing this work and expanding its scope, but as motivating as your verbal encouragement is, I still need to make a living. Which, for now, means writing product reviews and doing digital strategy for other people and institutions. But hopefully that can change.
As of this writing, Craving Aversion earns me $403 annually and that is before Substack gets its 10%, Stripe takes their 3.5% and the government gets its 45% (including self-employment taxes). This means I am netting about $17 a month, which is about half the price of cover one (1) early-bird rave cover, including RA’s fees. In other words, this is more or less 100% a labor of love, which is fine and I still enjoy doing it, but if you’ve been enjoying this work and have $5 a month, or $25 a year to spare (I am still offering half off annual subscriptions in perpetuity), please consider upgrading to a paid subscription today to make this project more sustainable.
I did a little Instagram Story poll to see what readers want to see more of and it was overwhelmingly more rave reviews (which will come as soon as I recover) and interviews with DJs and notable figures in the mindfulness space. Both of these things cost money and a lot of time to put together and I need your support to make it happen. So here’s the deal:
If 7 people upgrade to a paid subscription by the end of next weekend (at either $5/month or $25/year), I will immediately begin working on the interview series. Free trials don’t count.
If you have no budget to spare, I have also activated Substack’s referral program. Using the button below or the “Share” button on any post will give you credit for any new subscribers, which can earn you free time for a paid subscription.
Additionally, I had originally written an essay for this blog about how I’ve been navigating the past few weeks of hypomania, but upon re-reading it, I felt that it was worthy of a broader audience. After an editor friend of mine (and my first non-parental paid subscriber) offered to help me edit it down to be more coherent, I decided that it was worth pitching to some magazines to see if anyone might be interested in paying me to publish it. Even if they all say no, I am still immensely proud of myself for getting to this point from a confidence and self-esteem perspective.
I believe that good writing is meant to be read so I will never paywall the pieces that I publish here, which is only enabled by your support. But, for paid subscribers only, I have included an excerpt of my forthcoming bipolar II essay at the bottom of this dispatch.
With all that out of the way, I have honestly been doing quite well overall, all things considered. There were moments that felt a little touch and go, but thanks to Alex’s support and some well-timed interventions from professional care-providers as well as some key referrals from the broader meditation community, I have been able to channel this energy in a productive way that has felt overwhelmingly safe and supported through this strange time.
After 3 nights in a row of little to no sleep, I started on a mood stabilizer last Wednesday and my symptoms have been subsiding continuously since then. That this culminated in a cold yesterday morning, which prevented me from going to the city was probably another sign from the universe that I just wasn’t ready to get back in the mix.
In other news, I got a bunch of pottery out of the kiln recently and they turned out so much better than I ever could have hoped. The ones above are from the gas kiln. See my instagram for videos of my pieces from the more recent wood firing.
We also had a surprisingly abundant harvest of dwarf pears this year. The clutch from above was picked a little early but Monty Don suggests on Gardener’s World that you should always aim to harvest while they’re still rock hard and not yet ripe, then finish ripening them indoors before eating. Even if they don’t smell ripe, they’re ready to pick when they separate from the branch with a slight tug, which makes sense if you think about it. We’ve been eating them in the weeks since and each one has been delicious. Branch-ripening yields a better flavor, but you’re likelier to lose more to pests and ground-falls if you go that route.
Speaking of plants, this summer has been a gardening season of benign neglect. Not a whole lot of tending or watering of any regularity, but almost everything survived. And we were rewarded with a stunning autumnal floral display for our admittedly minimal efforts—which you can see more of on Alex’s instagram.
We also opened a coworking space downtown in a 1400 sq ft loft in a former print factory, where members of the community can pay a low monthly fee to have a spot to access reliable Wi-Fi and good espresso anytime they want. We had our launch party on September 10th during which over 25 people came to check out the space and enjoy some food and drinks. You can learn more about it at PoultneyCoworking.com or by following us on Instagram.
Friends have been asking me lately, how the hell did you manage to go to three raves in one weekend and write 3000 word reviews of each one during the morning after? Well, it’s simple: I was literally going insane. Between September 21 and October 1, there were more nights where I woke up between 3-4 AM than after 6 AM. And every time it became clear that sleep wouldn’t be returning, I would get up and start writing.
This wasn’t the first time I’ve experienced hypomania in my adult life, but it has been the most productive instance by far. In addition to the roughly 18,000 words contained in the essays and reviews I’ve published here (including this one and another forthcoming), I’ve written 43,000 words of a book manuscript, a 6,000 word essay about this whole experience (edited down to 3,000), a 2,000 word humidifier review for the Strategist (which I wrote and edited in less than 2 hours), an abridged version of my raving essay for Kyle Chayka’s One Thing Substack (to be published next week), and I’m still going—even though, thanks to Alex’s encouragement, I sought and received psychiatric help last Wednesday, after which I’ve been getting plenty of sleep each night and am now feeling mostly back to normal.
However, this experience and the professionals I’ve spoken to about it (via the Cheetah House meditator crisis support line) have also led me to the sad conclusion that I need to take a break from Vipassana meditation as taught in the S.N. Goenka tradition. It turns out, the fact that I took to it so readily was actually a sign that I ought to meditate a lot less than the 2+ hours a day that Goenkaji’s teachings prescribe—if at all. Although, in my opinion, this podcast from The Financial Times presents a somewhat sensationalized account of the risks involved and uses its script and sound design to push listeners towards sinister conclusions where they might not be warranted, it is still important and worth a listen because it presents a deeply-reported and fact-based view of how meditation is not just some unalloyed good that anyone can and should pick up in order to improve their life. I plan to resume meditating when I feel fit to do so, but under the tutelage of a dedicated teacher, for both my physical and spiritual safety.
That brings us to today. A day where I’d planned on riding a train into the city in order to see my friends, attend a jungle night at a DIY space near my apartment with a bunch of friends, and to catch up with a DJ friend who was scheduled to play upstairs at Public Records the following afternoon. As much as I would’ve enjoyed all that, I will also enjoy these last hours of foliage before the windstorm forecasted for this afternoon takes it all down for the year. How fortunate am I to have this be my plan B?
The following is an excerpt from my forthcoming essay about living and meditating through a recent bout of hypomania—until the meditation stopped working and began worsening the situation. It is only available to paid subscribers. Join today for 50% off in perpetuity.
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